Searching for Purpose
Ahh….Back in California, back in America, and guess what? Back on this drive from San Francisco to Southern California. What does this mean? As always, it means lots and lots of time to ponder.
I’m thinking about all the things I’ve been considering for the past 6 or 8 months: what can I do now that I’ve finished teaching English? What are my options? I could be in the states, I could be in Korea, I could be doing engineering, I could be doing music, I could be doing E-sports. And for the past 6 or 8 months I’ve been conjuring all kinds of lists…pros and cons of each idea, what’s possible, and what’s not possible with each and every option.
And after 6 or 8 months of this kind of thinking. I started to think “i really hate having this choice. I really don’t like having to make this choice based on what just “seems good.” This can support a family, that can get me more education, this one would allow me to travel more. And I found myself starting to wish I didn’t have the choice to make. What if I didn’t have the money to travel? What if I had a girlfriend in San Francisco that I’m totally in love with? Bam. Korea gets crossed off the list. The choices I have to make are all aimed at a goal. I’m staying in the San Francisco area. Maybe I’m getting married, I better start making money and take a job. The path becomes clear. It’s almost as though the choices are made for me.
But I didn’t like that either. I don’t like anyone making my choices but me. So I thought about it some more. And what I realized is that it’s not so much that I want other people or other intangible forces to make my choices for me, its that what i’m missing are those goals. I’m missing a purpose.
What is my current purpose? Well. Up till now I’ve always just done what I want. I want to go to a good school. UCLA. I want to work for a little while and stay in LA some more. Job at ADEPT. I want to live in another country and learn to speak my mother’s language. Korea. I’ve just done what I want.
But now, I feel a lack of purpose. I feel like it’s time to find something bigger than just “doing what I feel like in the moment.” I feel a need to look beyond that and find something deeper. I don’t need to make plans based on pros and cons and what “seems good” or is just widely seen as the “solid/safe choice.” But I do need to start thinking about a deeper purpose.
Purpose is not an easy thing to find, but knowing that I’m now actively searching for it frees me. It frees me in the sense that before i was worried about doing something now that will benefit me the most later. Which is not bad. But I can do better. By instead searching for purpose, I stop worrying about the future and start worrying about NOW. The present. And who I want to be. Search for purpose.
Whether that purpose be having a girlfriend, having a music project, or having an engineering project to save the world, this is my time to just discover that purpose. In the meantime, I do whatever I can to just get by and continue improving myself as I always have. Just live. And throw in a bit of soul searching. [Sidenote: Wow. I just typed Seoul searching. >_<] From here on out, I focus on what makes me happy. From here on out, i focus on what will continue to make me happy. From here on out, I search for purpose.